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June 2013

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Limericks about Brokeback Characters

Disclaimer: Just for fun.

Note: All of these were originally posted on Dave Cullen's board in the Photo Captioning Fun thread under the Laughs & Light Stuff topic. Some of them have references to in-jokes that will only make sense (or be funny) if you've been following the thread for a while. So if one of them makes you say "Huh?" rest assured—it isn't you, it's me.

Them evil short-eared techno-sheeps,
Give Ennis and Jack both the creeps.
     Jack looks for the switch,
     Sayin “Son of a bitch!
“Cut their juice and they’ll fall down in heaps!”

Here’s thousands and thousands of sheep.
It’s a job to make anyone weep.
     Sort out them Shelayans—
     Split up our’uns from they’uns,
Or Aguirre our salaries will keep!

There once was a boy from the Flats,
Who always wore black cowboy hats,
     He got his friend drinkin’
     To keep him from thinkin’
While he greased him up good with elk fats.

There once was a boy from Wyoming,
Whose eyes were continually roaming,
     O’er baskets and buns,
     And pocketed guns,
Which would shoot off all spitting and foaming.

There was a blowhard named Aguirre,
And of fuckin his hand he grew weary,
     He pulled up his socks,
     And packed his binocs,
To check out his Brokeback lust theory.

That sweet barrel-racer, Lureen,
Had the purtiest tits you’ve e’er seen.
     Set her heart on Jack Twist,
     But she’d missed his limp wrist,
Yep, he’d rather be Ennis’s queen.

Young shepherd named Ennis Del Mar,
Has a tasty and untrimmed cigar.
     Says he, “I ain’t queer.”
     Says Jack Twist, “Yes, dear.”
Thinkin, “Oh, yes, my sweetie, you are.”

This Wyoming gal, Alma Beer,
Didn’t care much for sex from the rear. 
     “It won’t make no baby, 
     “I’m wonderin if maybe,
“My husband might really be queer.”

L.D. Newsome thinks he’s the stud duck.
But shortly, he’ll be out of luck. 
     At the turkey he’ll hack; 
     Rodeo will attack.
And Fayette, well she don’t give a fuck.

Here’s a cocktail waitress named Cassie.
She’s cute, and she’s fun, and she’s sassy. 
     But Ennis, she’ll find, 
     Ain’t the marryin’ kind.
Now she’s sadder but wiser, poor lassie!

This one was a caption for a photo of a mid-air jet fighter refueling.
(E) Here's juice for ya, don't try ta dodge 'er,1
(J) I'm ready, bud, anytime, roger.
     (E) Jack, is it in?  Over.
     (J) Yep, just like Flynn.  Over.
(E) Fly steady, Jack, or you'll dislodge 'er.

Said Ledger to Gyllenhaal, “Say, Mate,
“We both want the film to be real great,
     “I’d give all for my art,
     “Every thought, every part,
“But can’t we just leave out my prostate?”

There’s no one as gorgeous as Gyllenhaal,
To his charms all the fair maidens willin’ fall.
     With his mouth and his eyes,
     Ripe as plums, blue as skies,
Jake’s beauty everybody will enthrall.

The holiday atmosphere’s murky.
As Monroe carves the Thanksgiving turkey.
     Alma outs nervous Ennis,
     Who responds with sheer menace,
Then drives off in a huff, acting jerky.

A closeted rancher is Randall.
To Ennis, he can’t hold a candle.
     Jack thinks, “Give it a miss,
     “I’ve a feeling that this,
“Situation’s more than I can handle.”

As Jack Twist sat peelin some spuds,
While Ennis removed all his duds,
     Says Jack, “I ain’t lookin,
     “I’ll tend to my cookin.
“Cause cowboys don’t ogle their buds.”

A couple of closeted homos,
Sat sippin a bottle of Old Rose.
     They spoke truth; they told lies,
     Under starry night skies.
Can’t fix it?  Then stand it.  So it goes.

When Heath hollered “Jack Fuckin Twist!”
And Jake answered, “Son of a bitch!”
     Ang said, “Kiss like you mean it.”
     And that’s how this scene, it
Placed first for MTV’s Best Kiss.

Note to the Limerick Police:
(a/k/a the guy who judged against me and lost me the hand of the fair CANSTANDIT)
Hell, yes, I’ve used assonances instead of true rhymes.
Is that a fuckin problem?

“Say, buddy,” said Ledger to Jake,
“Can we please get it right on this take?
     “Stop your giggling, you fucker,
     “Fore I’m too pooped to pucker;
“Cause we don’t want this scene to look fake.”



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